Discovered on: 2022-02-10 19:15:04

Source: Things you should have figured out

05/27/2011 06:54 AM

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Things you should have figured out

I just saw this on UVAs board, and its terrific. Something you faggots could all stand to read-
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<br>This is shit you should have figured out on your own. Many of you are painfully lacking in self-awareness and you’ve annoyed me enough to type up this embarassingly long essay. Sponsored by Adderall.
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<br>Camera Usage:
<br>-If you and your friends are getting fucked up, put your goddamn camera away. There is no reason to have photos of that. It is not cute, it is not funny. If your buddy’s blackout and making an ass of himself it’s ok to laugh about it. And that should be enough. But don’t you fucking dare record that. No one but those present should see that. Don’t upload pictures of you and your friends taking shots or shotgunning – incredibly lame. Ladies are the primary camera offenders. Fix your shit.
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<br>-A couple weeks ago I was at a party and a bout of pledge mud wrestling broke out. It was hilarious and much fun was had by all. Then a dozen of you rotten motherfuckers pulled out camera phones because you couldn’t just enjoy the moment as it was. You needed video and you fucking ruined it. Why would you ever think it’s ok to document someone else doing something questionable/compromising/taboo? If you record shit like that people will stop doing it and then none of us are laughing. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS
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<br>-No cameras especially if you’re getting high. And you’re not the first person to try and recreate the ‘Biggie with a blunt’ poster.
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<br>Social Settings:
<br>-Learn how to dance. Everyone looks stupid and no one’s watching you – that’s the only way to get better. You were supposed to learn in high school but you were too afraid of sincere actions in general so you said ‘Dancing’s gay’
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<br>-Speaking of which – the gay guy at the bar is the best wingman you can ever get. If he’s your friend he can help you fuck any chick in the establishment.
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<br>-The higher you hold your drink, the more uptight you look. If you hold your drink up by your collar bone you’re giving off nervous energy. Around your belt buckle is where it’s at. Take your hands out of your pockets. Unless it is freezing cold, your hands should never be in your pockets. Stand with your feet shoulder width apart. If you’re not comfortable in your own space people can tell. Tall dudes – do not slouch and try not to lean in to hear people talk. Gym rats – maybe women will disagree but when you strut and puff out your chest I think you look like a fucking clown and you’re trying too hard. Body language is important. The louder and drunker the venue, the more important it gets.
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<br>-If you want to pretend you’re sophisticated and drink wine, don’t hold the glass by the bowl.
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<br>-If you’re ordering a single drink. Use cash. Cards are for tabs and you’re holding up the line.
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<br>-Sugary drinks give you hangovers. They’re also for high school sophomores. I can’t take you seriously when you order a round of shooters with names like ‘Kamikaze’ and ‘Mind eraser’ at Coupe’s.
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<br>-Personal bias: Bourbon + rocks is the best. Shitty rail Bourbon? Wait a half a minute for some ice to melt and cut the harshness. Which is exactly why you don’t refrigerate your Evan Green at home. You know exactly how much booze you’re getting and it’s a more clear headed drunk than the buffoonery of a beer drunk. Beer’s what made you piss your bed last time. Sure, whiskey can kill you but it won’t embarrass you. For good whiskey, strongly consider ditching the ice cubes. Which is called drinking it neat, not straight. If you meet a girl drinking bourbon neat or with rocks: she’s fucking cool and probably swallows. If you don’t eat pussy she’ll rightly think you’re a shitty lay.
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<br>-Women like fucking too. She’s as nervous as you are. Talk to her – the worst thing that happens is she doesn’t fuck you. If you can’t flirt then tactless and direct is far better than overly subtle nice guy shit. “I talked to her about that class we’re in together for over half an hour! How could she not know I’m attracted to her?” is bullshit and disrespectful. You’re wasting your time and hers, and it’s unreasonable to expect her to decode your timid advances. Maybe this analogy will make sense: You wanna smoke weed but you don’t have any. You go to your buddy’s place because you know he has some. So you get there and awkwardly make small talk and stand around and watch TV. All you really wanna do is get high but you don’t ask him to smoke you out because you don’t wanna be rude. You sit there for what seems like forever until your buddy says “Hey wanna smoke?” or maybe he never offers at all. What you should have done: Walk in his room, and say “Hey, can I smoke a bowl? I’m out.” and he’ll either say “Yeah sure” or “Fuck off, you goddamn mooch. How bout you buy some of your own weed for once. You’re always doing this shit and you still owe me money. When are you bringing back season 3 of The Wire? You’ve had that for months. Fuck you, man”
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<br>-For the women: it’s fantastic when you approach. You’ve gotta do more though than just walk up and say “Hi” then stand there smiling. I was thinking about something else before you came up and didn’t have a clever story or conversation topic in my head. So if you don’t have one ready then we both stand there while I rack my brain for something to talk about and you think I don’t like you or something. If you’re pursuing, it’s your job to get the ball rolling. It’s too bad there is that double standard – Exhibit A being the dozen daily threads shaming girls by name on this goddamn board. I understand why you might hesitate say “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” I just want to hear that once before I die. The old eye contact + smile + slight head turn followed by “Wanna get out of here?” means the same thing though. Note: I’m sure I’m not the only literal dummy who if a girl gave me the same gestures then said “Wanna go to _____” I take that as exactly “Ok let’s go to ____” Let’s all agree that “get out of here?” means your place or mine.
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<br>Day to Day:
<br>-Never rat. You should have learned this on the playground in grade school. Don’t tell teacher. Sort it out yourself. Give whoever wronged you a chance to settle it between the two of you. If it didn’t effect you, is it really any of your fucking business? If you’re an idiot and chose to live in an apartment and your neighbors are being loud, go and talk to them. Don’t call the fucking cops like a coward. If you’ve got a problem with someone – be an adult and let them know. Don’t go overboard and act like a dick or be passive aggressive. Leave them an out so they can save face and still admit they’re wrong.
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<br>-Never trust an authority figure in a way that you make yourself vulnerable. Remember they have the power to fuck you and get away with it.
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<br>-Fellow white people: passive aggression is bullshit. Cut that shit out.
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<br>-Romantic comedies will ruin your love life. Porn will ruin your sex life. Don’t think for a second that is how people interact/fuck.
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<br>-Treat jerking off like a bank heist. Get in, get out, no more than ten minutes.
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<br>-Men who use the word inappropriate fucking disgust me.
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<br>-If you’ve ever said “You can’t joke about that” you’re deaf to context and I hate you.
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<br>-Narcissism is about the need to self identify and to broadcast that identity to others. It’s pretty much exactly what I’m doing right now. It has nothing to do about grandiosity or self love. That friend of yours who brings up how much he fucks at every opportunity is saying desperately “I aspire to be a player and I want you to think I’m one.” The lawnie who rattles of his resume unasked for. Every Cav Daily editorial.
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<br>-Do not ask your drug dealer for drugs via text.
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<br>-First and second years: peasant started out as 90% ironic. When you use it you make me cringe. Same goes for “______ is American as fuck”
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<br>-First and second years again: I know it’s you assholes that keep making frat rankings. Cut that shit out. And there’s that ‘broadcasting identity to others’ again. Stop it, you’re weak. Your fevered little egos are intolerable.
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<br>-Call your mom, she misses you.
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<br>-Eschoolers: read some books. College: If you’re bad with numbers, in our society you’re a mark. Could I interest you in an adjustable rate mortgage? CommSchool: Process isn’t progress.
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<br>-Take the acid
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<br>-You’re not special, “Deserve’s got nothing to do with it”
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<br>-You’re a moron if you use the word slut. Men: you want to discourage women from fucking? Women: you want to be shamed for enjoying fucking? And for the record it’s mostly women who use the word slut.
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<br>-If you get in a fight: never, never kick someone when they are down. Notions of fairness aside, it’s a shitty idea because that’s how you put someone in the hospital. Your foot can cave in a cheek bone or break some ribs far easier than your flailing noodle arms. You don’t want to pay somone’s medical bills. Ask Zete/Hall
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<br>-If you get in a fight: or more specifically, if you bring four of your shit head buddies to jump one guy – you’re a cunt. Seriously, fuck you. Jumping people like that doesn’t settle shit. Group shit just escalates. Keep it one against one and when you’re done, fucking bury the issue. People take injury better than insult.
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<br>-Fights are actually pretty rare here. Mostly it escalates to chest bumping “take a swing bro! No, you swing first” stage until cooler heads prevail. When the parties are separating resist the urge to yell out one last insult. It’s always some asshole that needs to get the last word in while the other group is walking away that starts shit again.

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05/27/2011 06:54 AM

LegacyPosts

this rules.

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05/27/2011 04:41 PM

LegacyPosts

With a few minor disagreements, I think a lot of kids at this school (esp. trolls of this site) can learn from this. I’d like to add some points, but I don’t feel like cramping this guy’s style. Well done.

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05/27/2011 09:19 PM

LegacyPosts

thank you… great post

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05/28/2011 01:31 AM

LegacyPosts

please take note everyone.
<br>this is a good post.

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05/28/2011 04:25 AM

LegacyPosts

from a girls perspective, the “gay wingman is the best wingman” note is so true.

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05/28/2011 05:24 AM

LegacyPosts

too long, didn’t read.

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05/28/2011 05:41 AM

LegacyPosts

It’s actually worth reading

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05/29/2011 01:02 AM

LegacyPosts

This should be required reading for the entire student body here…

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05/29/2011 03:24 PM

LegacyPosts

instead of gay ass alcoholedu, the incoming freshman should take a course on this. maybe then half of every class wouldnt be filled with awkward losers with no social presence whatsoever.

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